Urban Dictionary's Best Sex Positions

Check it Cosmopolitan. Big reps to the fam on this one. If your sex life with the SO is lacking, take a stroll down Urban Dictionary's museum of the mind. Sure to spice up your bedroom lifestyles, here's my favorite picks. Disclaimer should warn that I don't intend on being held accountable for mishaps. I've tried them all, ask my mates. Serious shit here son.



1: The Flying Camel

When the male is upon the female eloping or simply engaging in riveting conversation, the male must carefully advance forwards and prop himself (without the use of his arms) upon his penis, while still inside. He then must proceed to flap his arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like, as the name suggests, a flying camel. The female at this point should be feeling like an unkempt farmers daughter as if she's never been submitted to such pleasures. UD defines this "strictly a class move." Take it from the best.



2: The Purple Mushroom

Soaring elegantly and gentlemanly forward into new terrain, the purple mushroom is a classic. Less sex, more impress, take a step back from your manly ways and observe your lady. Is she pleased? Is she relaxed? Is she enjoying herself to the maximum? If no to some, none, or some of none of the above, then we've got a problem. To instigate the purple mushroom, leap like a salmon off your SO, and pin her to the ground/bed/whatever. Grab your Vietnamese-Sausage like it's the axe of Thor, and draw back as far as it will stretch. You will think you see fear in her eyes; this is merely a muse. Whip your dick across her face as hard as humanly possible. This should leave a mark that turns purple and looks like a mushroom.



3: Te'oing

For the more lonely of peers, this one's for you. I haven't forgotten you. When sex simply is out of the question, one must invent other ways to stimulate oneself. The grimace as you wake up alone in the morning becomes too much. The embrace of a pillow is no substitute. How and ever, you can avoid this with the simple action of Te'oing. This is delicately defined as having sex with an imaginary woman or object. It does not discriminate.



4: The Charizard

The infamous Charizard. We all know where this came from, yet were too blind in childhood innocence to embrace it. It was right in front of us, but we could not explain. Existential in origins, it takes a true monk of the arts to engage this properly. Forming coagulated thoughts holding this process is all but revolutionary. Make sure the lady has a finely toned pubic afro; it is essential for execution. Just as you climax, light her pubes on fire. Your juices should extinguish half of the burning hair, and while she's flapping her arms around wildly, you scream, "YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH BADGES TO TRAIN ME!", then run out of the room. 110% guaranteed to spice up the bedroom.



5: The Donkey Pummel

A variation of the renowned time-honored Donkey Punch, it is twice as violent and a gazillion times more sexual. Not for the faint, you need balls of steel and a lady-part of equally sturdy metal. During intercourse between two peoples, you donkey punch the lady when inserting into her ass cavity, and when she is still conscious come back with a left-right jab to ensure she's knocked out.



6: The Purple Mongoose

My all time favourite, the top of the lot, the best for last. This move is something not even a WWE star would attempt, in all their training. It depicts years and years, generations upon generations, stars aligning, everything in existence coming together. No more need be said. When enjoying sex and you think you need to take it to the next level, initiate. The madam puts her legs behind her head, and the man moves to position. The lady, holding strong, must wait while the man climbs a ladder, pours Tobasco sauce all over her ass, and makes a dive penis-first into her butt. Once inserted, the man spins around like a helicopter. Perfection.


Try it.