Pasta Sauce

Pasta Sauce

This is for two fabulous people. Get one tin of tomatoes, doesn't matter if they're diced up or not, you can do that with a knife in the pot by swishing it around making swishing sounds. Put it on a low heat in a pot so that it's warm for later. You'll need only HALF an onion per person, so one onion. Whoever said an onion per person never got the honeys because that is a serious amount of onion. Get a decent clove of garlic; I like a lot of garlic so if you don't then maybe a little less. Tell that bitchin' garlic who the man. Slice everything up after peeling them, and throw em in the pot. Not the skins. Please, not the skins. At this stage the hip-hop mixtape you have on the stereo should be about two to three songs in. Vital timing (not really).

   Now for the 'oibs. I call them herbs. I overload it quite frequently so I'll give you two ways to do it.

   Number Uno. Put in some diced fresh basil, and a teaspoon of sugar to get rid of that bitterness of the tomatoes. Let it simmer for about half an hour, longer on a low heat. Voila, lovely nice pasta sauce.

   Number Two. Get some dried oregano (I say some because I love loads, but you might not), basil, sage (basil and sage are like Romeo and Juliet, without the spoiler), a little bit of parsley if it's there (I never have any), and a little chilli never goes astray. Don't go near those readily made Italian mixed herbs and such, they don't know what you want to taste so they give you genericism at its corporate finest. I much prefer venting my creativeness in the pot. They key ingredient any decent hard-working non-generic chef will tell you that you always, always, always need cinnamon. I was once someone who was not acquainted with the fine spice that is cinnamon. Then it changed when I emptied a quarter of a tub of it in on top of my new pasta sauce. Lord above. You need cinnamon in your life. It works like sugar, getting rid of that tangy taste of the tomatoes. Only, if you overload the motherfucker out of it, you'll end up with those cinnamon cakes. Not too gone on them, if I say so. Also learned by me was when you put cinnamon in first, put in a little splash of soy sauce. You'll get the most authentic smelling stir-fry dish you've ever smelled. Now I wonder what they put in those pre-packaged things? So go ahead, put in a splash of the black stuff.

   Did I mention salt and pepper? No salt. Never salt. Salt bad. Salt make things salty. A bit of pepper always helps, gives it that Steve Austin edge. We all need wrestling in our food. Hip-hop mix should be about half an hour in at this stage.

   Let that stuff simmer for as long as you see fit. I usually get bored or hungry so take it off the stove then. For the love of fuck stir it. It'll stick to the bottom of the pot, or turn the pot black. It looks funny, and tastes funnier.

   Add all this mix to whatever food you want. You can add in the likes of mushrooms for good aul' reliable. Peppers make it a bit sweeter. Carrots (which I like to grate up before cooking them to make it faster) make it much sweeter; they must be about 90% sugar or some black magic. Peppers work well too. Any colour pepper is nice, we aren't racist here.

   Just remember when you are cooking for other people, and they see you molesting that herb rack, and start mouthing about how they don't like this or that herb, or cinnamon, heed what they say. Then when they turn around fuck in as much as you can until they turn back around. Voila.